By the by: The previous poem was Jabberwocky by Lewis Carroll... like Alice in Wonderland, and Through the Looking Glass.
The D&D "jingle bells" tune was the Munchkin Song, Fuck the min-maxing power gaming fucks!!!
Video below...
www.youtube.com/watch?v=kEqwvGGMvsYLyrics below further...
RING THEIR BELLS
(aka "The Munchkin's Theme" )
(to the tune of "Jingle Bells")
Slashing through the Orcs
With a good two-handed blade
Over corpses we go
And through the gore we wade
Mace on helmet rings
Making bodies fly
What fun to sing our Slaying Song
And watch these suckers DIE!
(chorus)
Oh, ring their bells with swords and spells
Don't let 'em get away!
We're brave and bold for fame and gold
We'll make a lot today!
Oh, ring their bells with swords and spells
Don't let 'em get away!
We'll hack and slash and blast and trash
And blow these dudes away!
Crashing through the door
Into the Dragon's nose
Our mage whips out a Cone of Cold
And out his fire goes!
Elven bowstrings sing
Making Balrogs fall
And our theif finds a secret door
Into the treasure hall!
(chorus)
Then appears the Lich
With his demon guard
Our wizard yawns and wishes
We'd run into something hard.
He begins to cast
His 19th level spell
The damn lich throws a Gate at us
And drops us all in Hell!
(chorus)
We appear in Hell
In front of Satan's throne
Our Cleric waves us out the door
And takes him on alone!
Satan's legions don't
Want to let us go
Our Techno pulls a bazooka out
And NUKES 'em 'till they GLOW!
Oh, ring their bells with Prayers and Spells
Don't let 'em get away!
We're brave and bold and CRAZED, we're told
To think we'll live the day!
Oh, ring their bells with swords and SHELLS
Don't let 'em get away!
We'll hack and slash and blast and trash
And drag our loot away!
Anyways about villians... It reminds me of a story that someone told me a long, long time ago...
In a place not all that far, far away...
Four adventurers had finally neared the end of their journey. They had traveled through far off lands, fought the foulest of beast, gaining the greatest of treasures, savouring the savoriest tastes of the realm. All the while persuing the dark lord of the Castle Hawkfyre, the evil sorcerer Granik. A soulless vessel with horns coming out of head like a steer.
As the breave adventurers ventured forth into the castle, taking in the dark musty smell of the moss cover corridors.
A FLASH OF LIGHTNING!!!!
AN EAR-PIERCING SHREEK OF PAIN!!!!
Our adventurers run to the noise. Gates crash down behind them, locking them into their final battle. A battle forsooth by the grand oracle of the north, predicted by the fates of the black lava cliffs. Bats fly about, crashing into our brave heroes in their pursuit of the dark lord. The sorceror, Melona, is blinded. There is now no light other than the harsh red glow that awaits them at the end of the hall. Skeletons come alive, only to be slain once again by the sword of charging veteran warrior, Netok.
Netok as a boy saw with his own eyes the dark lord kill his father with his crippling mind crash, crushing his ribs and skull. Netok remembers his fathers screams for a death that came too slow. They play in his head at night, they play now.
The cleric, Hytouer, always obedient, feels the distance between he and his god growing exponentially. So is his brother, the mighty Paladin, Grutouer. His boyish good looks, long flowing blond hair understate everything about him.
Finally the four reach the light. A sudden warmth comes over all, yet at the same time, a chilling breeze comes through the cracks in the walls.
Dark Lord: You have finally arrived?
Netok: Foulest of beings! You shall finally get what is yours!
Dark Lord: Funny... I thought you would be here long before this. You're just as punctual as your father was.
Netok: My FATHER!!!!
Netok goes to charge with his glistening sword at the dark lord, but as he takes to the air, his sword is shattered as if it were made out of glass.
Netok: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! My father's sword!!!!!
Dark Lord: Yes... it will serve you just as well as it served him. Not. At. All.
The Dark Lord turns around and sees the other three. There is no noise as he walks forward.
Melona: Foul dark Lord, scourge of all that is rightous...
Dark Lord: Wench. A request before you die?
Melona: Just why?
Dark Lord: You mean as to why I kill thousands of victims along the countryside. Why I killed Netok's father, and I why I will kill him and you?
Melona: Yes.
The Dark Lord pauses.
Melona: Tell us.
The Dark Lord stays silent.
The Brothers: TELL US! TELL US NOW!!!
The Dark Lord reveals his face, a sight no one had ever seen and lived. His skin was an evil hue of yellow. The horns jet out. His eyes burned of red flame, and his hair was as black as night, in fact it was the abyss... Above his head was a window to the void.
The Dark Lord: I will tell you...
Melona: Yes.
The Dark Lord: But you will not live to tell anyone...
The Brothers: We will see about that!!!
The Dark Lord lets out a harsh laugh.
The Dark Lord:I am...
I am...
I am...
All four heroes: WHAT!?!?!?
The Dark Lord: I am Choatic Evil.
All four heroes: WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Dark Lord: I am Choatic Evil. It's my alignment.
Melona: What the fuck?
The Brothers: This is bullshit.
Netok: Now, wait, lemme get this...
The Dark Lord: Sure, I'll give you a minute.
Netok: You've killed thousands, tortured and destroyed the lives of thousands more.
The Dark Lord: Yeah...
Netok: You killed my father, to which I swore vengence in his name to kill you. And roamed for eleven years with these three people I met at a bar long, long, ago... world's away...
the Dark Lord: Uh-huh...
Netok: And now I'm about to die without the sword that belonged to my father, before you crushed the life right out of him with some magical power...
The Dark Lord: Psionics, naturally...
Netok: And all of this because some nerd wrote the letters CE on a piece of paper.
The Dark Lord: He refers to it as stationary...
Netok: CHRIST!!!! KILL ME NOW!!!!!
With that, Jesus came down from the heavens, danced a jig and everyone was dead and confused.
...at the same time...
So that's my take on villians and causes to their insaneness.
